Fancy a coffee?



Coffee’s big business these days, isn’t it? Tea’s been left behind, its image still burdened by the PG Tips chimpanzees (“avez-vous cuppa?”) and the Tetley men (“Tetley make tea bags make tea”). I suppose my tastes were formed back then too, since unmoved by the beverage revolution. Not a massive coffee drinker, my tastes were defined by Gareth Hunt making wanker signs on tv, while hiding coffee beans in his loose fist. Gold Blend then, Gold Blend now for me, but of course in this modern world that simply won’t do. Coffee is now worse than fashion and like wearing the wrong jeans, it’s impossible to keep up for fear of getting it wrong. Cappuccino, frappacino, latte, skinny latte, tall latte, vente latte, black Americano, white Americano, single shot, double shot, flat white, soya milk, almond milk, skimmed milk, semi-skimmed…Jeeeeeeeez. And now with the whole ocean rescue thing, it’s what do you want your cup made out of! And please can I spell your name wrong on the cup for all your friends to have a giggle. Ordering your caffeine hit – and don’t fall for this “barista” bollocks, it’s nothing to do with blending beans, it’s the Italian word for barmaid – no, ordering a coffee is now becoming akin to a speech made by Winston Churchill.  The queues at Starbucks are so long, not because everyone loves coffee, it’s because it takes so bleeding long to order one!

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