Jacuzzi, sir?

Remember that classic line from “Trading Places”, when the butler Coleman asks Billy Ray Valentine if he wants to have a whirlpool bath?

Recently, I was chatting with a friend of mine who was telling me about a weekend away with his girlfriend to a spa retreat. Not really his bag – he’s more of a five pints of Peroni and eighteen holes of golf man – but he agreed to go along, because he loves her and that is no bad thing. Of course, for many ladies, a weekend of relaxation, pampering, away from the daily grind is the idea of perfection. No need to make any effort, you can spend the whole weekend in comfy tracksuits, fluffy dressing gowns, your hair wrapped in a towel and discard your heels for a pair of fluffy slippers. You float from massages to facials to saunas all while sipping from an outsided cup of herbal tea. Bliss.

It’s not quite so straightforward for unreconstructed men, who are perhaps awkward with the idea of a bit of self-indulgence and trying to feel good about yourself. For men of a certain type, that merely involves holding your stomach in, ruffling your hair to try and disguise your balding pate and remembering to squirt a bit of Lynx to disguise that fact you forgot to have a shower.

Anyway, back to my friend who was dragged off to a country retreat. On arrival, his girlfriend, who was well versed in these events and had carefully planned and booked a whole series of treatments and consultations. He, however, was well out of his depth. His girlfriend, being the caring type, soon noticed this and helpfully suggested he try a whirlpool bath to try and relax, while she went to get her nails done.The an agreed, each went in their separate directions. An hour later, the girlfriend is hunting the hotel bar, or maybe the coffee shop, where she had fully expected to find my friend. With nobody reporting seeing him, she went to check the jacuzzi area and sure enough, there was our hero, sat bolt upright in the bath in his knee-length board shorts, the water as still as a mill pond. ” This is so, so overrated,” he announced. “I’ve been sat here an hour…nothing!”. His perplexed girlfriend helpfully replied, “Maybe next time, try switching the blimming’ thing on?”

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